Humorous quotes about children and kids

Small children almost never misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said - Etienne Marchal

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn the operation of the DVD, yet are unable to understand the vacuum cleaner. - Etienne Marchal

Blessed are they that have children, for they will never be in darkness. - And as well as leaving lights on they never shut doors ! - Etienne Marchal

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out - Erma Bombeck

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned how to dance, waiting in line for the bathroom.- Bob Hope

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - Plato

The beauty of “spacing” children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones—which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
Sydney J Harris "Leaving the Surface"

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned in 7 years. - Mark Twain

When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor. - Austin O'Malley

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Knox

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. - George Carlin

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm.The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. - Elinor Goulding Smith

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. - Shannon Fife

The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. - John Fiebig

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble - Dennis Fakes

A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. - Unknown

Ask the young, they know everything! - Joubert

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for - Ogden Nash

Pretty much all the honest truth-telling there is in the world is done by children. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

It's funny that those things your kids did that got on your nerves seem so cute when your grandchildren do them - Unknown

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house - Unknown

Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare - Ed Asner

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be - Unknown

Children are the most expensive form of entertainment - Mihaela Iosof

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. - Franklin P. Jones

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed - Robert Gallagher

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? - Emo Philips

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.- Phyllis Diller

Poverty is hereditary - you get it from your children. - Phyllis Diller

There's nothing wrong with kids that trying to reason with them won't aggravate.- Unknown

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it. - Monta Crane

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents - Shannon Fife

Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too - Lionel Kaufman

Child rearing myth #1: Labour ends when the baby is born - Unknown

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. - Emo Phillips

A lot of growing up takes place between "It fell" and "I dropped it." - Unknown

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Humorous quotes about children and kids.